I am over you.
That line was like a spell I kept always repeating inside my mind. A spell that I wished could work… or at least, I would listen to. But then I always end up doing the opposite and re-joined my old self: thinking of him all the time.
I had tried. God knows I tried. And I meant it. I just did not know how to do this properly. I did not know when I could do this. I just tried and I knew I had to try harder than before.
Six years I had been trying to puzzle all of these pieces that he and I could never understand. We both tried, I knew, to make it work. And we both knew that it would never work. But I was so stubborn and he was so cruel. If I could just listened and let him go earlier, I would never had this heartache. And if he could just really fight for me, we would never… what? I was not even sure if we would really end up together.
Oh, my goodness! What kind of love that I had? This was absurd. Too absurd that I could not see what I really desired from him. My conscience knew that I loved him. My brain would agree with that idea. My heart would not deny it. But my vision of us as one was just … a blur. I hated it when I realized it.
“Your passport, please!” Said the officer in front of me.
“Oh, sure.” I replied.
I handed him my passport and he studied it for a minute: checking if my photograph and my face were similar. Well, they were different I must say as I was not as skinny as I was now. My cheek bones were more visible. But the officer gave his thumb up to me and gave me back my passport, saying “You’re in.”
I mumbled thank you to him and walked pass the border line. I smiled to my self. I finally made it, coming to a place I never visited before. New place. New People. New hope.
I only brought my small luggage with me here. I left most of unimportant things in my country and brought the necessity here. I would only live here for one year, anyway. Why bother taking the whole wardrobe? My mother expected my returning and I would come back. I came to this country only for working. Nothing could hold me here longer. I never desired to see this country, although it was only six hours flight away. Still, I desired the Kingdom more than this one. They might have the same system here as the Kingdom, but they were not the same.
It was summer when I arrive in the airport. I could smell the dusk and feel the heat radiating from the sunlight when I stepped out of the airport and face a not-so-busy road. I would not expect heavy traffic here. No, no more traffic in my life.
I took a brief moment to observe the situation around here. There were two bus waiting for the passengers that would take them to the famous-main station in this liveable city. I knew it because I researched about it. I planned to go with the bus before my colleague to-be said that she would pick me up from the airport. I wondered where she was right now. I scanned the car park across the road, looking for someone who might hold a big poster with my name on it. I did not know how she looked like. So I really hope she would recognize me at the very moment she saw me.
I was still standing there when a car, a brand new Subaru, headed towards the pick up point two meters ahead of me. A man, about 50 years old, driving the car with a lady sitting next to him and two kids behind him. A little boy who sat on his baby seat in the back popping his head towards the window to have a better view of me, followed by his sister who sat next to him. The lady looked at me briefly before she went off of the car and came over me.
Would that be her? I had no idea.
“Hi! Susan?” She asked. Her eyes fixed on me, studying me.
“Yes, Mrs. Hill?”
“Yes! Allison.” She corrected. “How are you?”
I told her that I was fine but she could sense my husky voice which indicated me tired. I meant, I just had six hours flight and I landed in a foreign country with foreign people I had never met.
“This is my husband, Regie.” She introduced me to the man who got off of his driver seat and come to me. I said hello as I extended my hand to him. He hesitated for few seconds before shaking it. Allison waved at the two kids in the back seat, who kept glancing at me. At least, the boy was grinning at me. “They are my children. The girl names Aida and the little boy names Felix. He’s a little bit sick this morning.”
I waved and smiled at them, saying hello. The girl hid away her face behind the front seat, being shy of my action but the boy yelling hello back at me, getting excited of my approach.
Regie took my luggage and put it in the back. I was about to get into the back seat before Allison stopped me and told me to seat in the front.
“Are you sure?” I was a little bit offended. Does she think I would do something to her kids?
“Yes, of course. You are my guest.” She said.
Oh, well. Maybe she did that to respect me. I should appreciate it. The thought of this country putting extra protection to children had somehow made me cautious, like I did not know what to do with the kids here. I could have played with them or been friendly towards them, but I had to be so careful. I did not know what was allowed and what was forbidden to do with the kids.
Back to where I lived before, I could just hug the children straight away and play with them without being concerned of the policy. None of the parents would feel threatened when strangers touch their children. But here, our conducts towards children are being watched.
Allison and Regie told me about the surroundings area which I found almost similar to where I came from except for certain things. Here the road was not very busy. The number of vehicles were less than what my country had. But the speed was crazier. You still had to watched out for the cars because they could not hit the brake and make it stop less than five seconds. People would use the pedestrian bridge to cross the road and it was all clean everywhere: no rubbish. The pedestrians were safe for sure. All of the vehicles were on the right side. Just how organised everything was here.
In spite of its unusual scenery, I nearly fell asleep, while listening to Allison talking about things I had lost interest in. Then the car came to a stop.
“Welcome to Tottenham.”